Car Shopping
Plan B was worked out on the drive back to LA. After passing thousands of rich, frozen turd-hounds on the freeway, I decided that I too wanted to drive a fancy car. I figured with the right approach I could go to a fancy car dealership, arrange a test-drive, make a fancy car go real fast for a while, and not have to pay a cent! Plus, it would kind of continue the 'fun with cars' theme from last week, and I could get some shots of me driving fancy cars in my sharp red jumpsuit, which I thought would be kind of cool.
You need an approach if you want to drive the good shit. Any jackass can test drive a Hyundai, but a Ferrari is a different situation. You need to make the dealer think you are actually considering buying the car, and the fun ones start around 40 thousand dollars. Go in there looking like you mean it.
Clothes: Dress nice. Of course, I wore a red jumpsuit, but I was in Beverly Hills and people there are so fucked they didn't even seem to notice.Car: Show up in a nice ride if you can, we borrowed my boss's truck. Then they will think you are rich, or at least can make a nice trade-in.
Accomplice: This is most fun with other people. Sarah, the Big Gun Project assistant producer/cupcake went with me and we played up the rich young boyfriend/girlfriend thing. They bought it. Keep in mind most of the fun cars are two seaters, so you have to take turns driving the salesman around.
Knowledge: It is a good idea to know a little sahmscing about the car (or nice cars in general) before you walk in and start talking nonsense. Of course I didn't know a damn thing, I just kept asking how fast the 0-60 time was.
Money: They will ask you some questions about your credit, etc., but don't fret. This is the best part. The more outrageous lie you come up with the better. Tell them your uncle just died and left you an inheritance, or your record deal just went through, or your dad said you could have anything you want, blah blah. Be creative.
Location: Different places will bring different experiences. We went to Beverly Hills to try our luck. Pros: Lots of fancy car places, lots of legitimate rich people looking for silly cars. Easy to fit in. Cons: Couldn't get the cars on the open road for full high-speed fun. We recommend a car place near a highway or out in the country.
Driving: Fuck it, once you are in the car you have won. Drive as fast as you can. Make the salesman nervous enough not to ask any questions. Act confident and skillful. I don't know what happens if you crash, you might want to look into that.
Test results:
Car #1: Porsche 928
Dealer: Shady used-car lot
Situation: This was our first try, and the guy didn't seem to believe/trust us. He had to move a bunch of cars to get out the one we wanted. We told him we would come back.
Comments: Automatic transmission on a sports car seems kind of pointless. We didn't bother to go back. This was the car in 'Risky Business', I still want to try driving one sometime.
Car #2: Ferrari Scongillihead 3000
Dealer: Some really fancy indoor showroom.
Situation: This was in the heart of Beverly Hills, and the salesman was a real cock. He claimed they didn't allow test-drives, since anyone who would buy a Ferrari knows what they are getting. Yeah yeah, fuck your mom.
Comments: These cars are ridiculous. $130,000 asking price, and I bet they go really fast. I want to crash one.
Car #3: BMW Z3
Dealer: Factory Dealership
Situation: These guys were real cool, and we got a test drive with no problem. It was a nice day so we opted for the Z3, the goofy little convertible from the James Bond movie.
Comments: The car was fast and peppy, very responsive. I felt like a jackass, but I have to admit convertibles are nice in Southern California. Flipping this car would do bad things to your head.Car #4: Porsche 968
Dealer: Audi/Porsche specialist
Situation: Some weird foreign guy, very nice. We got a test drive no problem, and he didn't even take my license.
Comments: This car was 4 years old, and I really wasn't impressed. I figured Porsche's were super-powerful and fast, but no sir. This car had a spongy clutch and poor pickup, and even under full throttle it drove like a bean fart. Don't buy this car, unless you want it just for show. But then you are an idiot, so get away from me.
Although it is kind of pointless and stupid, test-driving cars you aren't going to buy is a surprisingly good time. All you need is a driver's license and basic acting skills, and you can have a fun filled afternoon, free of charge.
-- slap maxwell